kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,
kasey
allthingsshiny

  • Mood:
  • Music:

worse.

I spend all night trying to convince myself that it's not as bad as i think it is, then i finally get a break at work to stop and look at LJ.

and i start to think that it's even worse than i was thinking, that i've lost more than i can deal with. I guess i'm fucked for trying to be anyone's friend, for caring.
i guess my policy from this point should just be to not care ...
but that's not really how it works for me.
so i'm going to make a statement that echoes what others have said recently - if you don't want to be my friend, be honest with me. be blunt. hurt my feelings once now and save me the dragging out of it all. because honestly, i'm not going to get any further down than i already am.

my mind aches for things i wish i could forget, that i wish i had never known.
I spend so much energy searching for something to equal that, something to carry me through. I'm too weak on my own.

I wonder what my point of no return is?
even michael barely makes me smile today.
i would give up if i knew how. I've got three days of work, school, and very little sleep ahead of me, and I honestly don't know how i'm going to do it. I've been up since 11 am Monday, and I'm not going to get the chance to leave work until 5pm today. After that, I'm going to go visit Nico, and then I'm going to go to my mom's house and sleep for a few hours before going back to work.
another couple days of complicated schedule follow that, but i don't feel like confusing myself by writing it out. Basically, I don't get to rest/relax/have a breakdown until friday noonish, after a doctor's appointment.
wish me luck in making it until then.

Season, your friend is a godsend. My hospital would be completely fucked without his help. I wish he would allow me to reimburse him.

I know my problems, my stress, is minor compared to others. I know i bitch about things that are of consequence only to me. it's my journal. my problems are only important to me. you'd probably be best off ignoring it all.

I guess I'm just wondering if I'm making it all worse.
Subscribe

  • Love.

    Sometimes you have to go 2000 miles to get to the one. So worth it. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

  • (no subject)

    It's already getting wild out here, and I've completely re-evaluated my definition of "behaving myself". All the fun. Posted via LiveJournal…

  • everything came together perfectly

    I'm in Nashville. In my beautiful house, with all my wonderful animals, and i'm in love with the man sleeping with his head on my lap right now.…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 14 comments

  • Love.

    Sometimes you have to go 2000 miles to get to the one. So worth it. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

  • (no subject)

    It's already getting wild out here, and I've completely re-evaluated my definition of "behaving myself". All the fun. Posted via LiveJournal…

  • everything came together perfectly

    I'm in Nashville. In my beautiful house, with all my wonderful animals, and i'm in love with the man sleeping with his head on my lap right now.…