kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

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tired of me

i should just keep my mouth shut, really.
i don't want to fuck up the one good thing i've got.
so i should stop behaving like a teenage girl, needy and paranoid.

i hate where i live.
it's lonely and it'll stay that way.

I spent 12 hours today learning a new computer system.
We were supposed to start using it tonight. An hour before the clinic was to open, I looked at it and realized how completely not ready we were. So I pushed the date back to friday. Then I decided that if I didn't start using it until Monday, I'd have all weekend to work on it. Then I realized that I wouldn't be there monday night. So Tuesday it is.
I procrastinate in ways you couldn't imagine.

I've got a doctor's appointment in the morning. It's to check on my IUD.
So I'm going to go there and be all exposed so that she can prod at me with horrible instruments and say, "yup, it's still there."

this really isn't getting better.
michael keeps telling me that things are going to get better.
i have a very hard time believing him.
i just see how they're going to get worse.
So i look to the long term, and find that i have very few realistic things to hope for.
i wish i could accept this.
i want something to look forward to.

I'm not going to get to go away to the river this month. maybe next month. maybe. The two weekends we could do, joe can't cover. i understand, one is short notice and the other is his girlfriend's birthday.
i just want to go away for a little while with the boy who keeps me happy.
if only our schedules coordinated better.
if only.

i'm going to go hope for some peace in sleep.

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