kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

  • Mood:

i don't fit

Lots and lots of ideas are floating through my brain, but none want to organize themselves well enough to be put down on paper. maybe someday i can write it all down.

there's been a ton of stuff going on, but i can hardly even document it all.

Went to my therapist today, and i think it was actually productive for once. I asked, flat out, what is wrong with me. i want a diagnosis, something solid i can research and deal with and correct.

what i got was first a sigh, then a laugh, then - "well, you don't really fit into any one particular diagnosis."

so disappointing.
at least i'm interesting enough to confuse my psychologist.

we went through what she does think is going on with me, and it makes a lot of sense. it doesn't have to fit. i'd be happier if i could organize my problems, but i have to deal with the fact that i can't, and that i am quite a bit the product of the environment i grew up in.

apparently i have quite a rigid personality, also. i didn't know it was an issue until today.

my mom changed my health insurance without telling me. I found out when i got the AEtna card in the mail yesterday. I'm not happy about this. AEtna fucked my leg up by denying me a surgery that would have pinned and plated it into its place. They denied my surgery, then delayed any appeal of the denial until after my leg healed into the shape it is in now.
for this, i hold a grudge.
anyway, my insurance changed on june first. i did not know this. so my therapists visits and my trip to the doctor for my knee have all been billed to the wrong insurance company. The paperwork to straighten this out will be a joy, i'm sure.
In fact, it doesn't appear that AEtna will even cover my therapy. My mom and i discussed this, and she said that her and my dad had talked about it and decided that they would pay for my therapy. I think it's fair ... my therapist links most of my issues back to my mother, anyway ...

it would have been nice if she'd told me that my insurance was changing.

in another couple months i'll be eligible for insurance through my work, anyway. one less thing to be tied to my parents by.

i'm going to a club tomorrow. I'm scared. I'm going with people from work, who've never seen me in my real clothes. hope i don't do anything stupid.
Michael's going, too. maybe this time he'll dance.
maybe this time i won't have a panic attack.

we had the same conversation tonight we have every other week, and it ended just about the same as it always does ...
i need to be a patient girl, but i think i'm less patient with his situation than he is.

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