February 28th, 2003


Hell hath no fury like ... um ... me?

It's been a strange and stressful couple of days, spent mostly with Jessica, comparing notes and figuring things out ... mostly, I figured out that I have been putting far too much energy into someone who does not deserve it, or at least has not earned it. I've learned lots of things in the last two days, most of which are not for sharing, but many small clarities. I've gained a friend and also found strength tonight that I didn't know I had. And we gave someone a taste of their own, for whatever it's worth. Petty, maybe. But dammit, I feel good about it.

So Jessica and I had quite the adventure last night, venturing first to Alta, enjoying drinkable coffee and enlightening conversation. Leaving Alta was somewhat eventful ... after they closed, off to TC's familiar patio, where we stayed for a while. We made an attempt at leaving close to midnight, but we really went for a small driving adventure and returned to TC to observe the results of our evening.

It really was a much more interesting night than it sounds, but i have to leave out the details, as they really will only make sense to three people at the most, myself included.

Don't think that I'm not strong
I'm the one to take you on
Don't underestimate me, boy
I'll make you sorry you were born

- don't know who it is. But it's on the radio all the time.

I went out this afternoon, before all this craziness, and saw Brent, my ex from way, way back, and hung out with him for a while. It was interesting to talk with him since we've both grown up a lot, or a least a bit over the last few years. We talked a bit of old times, and he did something that quite surprised me. He apologized for doing so much damage to me so many years ago. He said that about two years after we broke up, he realized what an asshole he had been. That was very fulfilling to hear, coming from a person who did more damage to my psyche than my mother.

Discovered this morning: Black coffee on a painfully empty stomach is agonizing.

I feel good this morning ...

"I'm on my feet I'm on the floor I'm good to go
All I need is just to hear a song I know
I wanna always feel that part of this was mine"

A little information is a powerful thing, and I am a stronger and smarter girl today than I was yesterday. This feeling of weakness and vulnerability that I have been carrying for too much of this year does not seem to be be clouding me any longer. Pity to those who underestimate me - your loss, not mine ... I believe I will go to Marge's tonight, with the spine I think I forgot existed. Damn, I feel good.

Music and my friends get me through ...

Thanks, Jess, for enlightening me, and being honest with me ... and don't worry, I'm still not mad at you. All my anger is quite solidly directed elsewhere.
  • Current Music
    Jimmy Eat World - A Praise Chorus