May 9th, 2003



I can have the worst day, and the worst evening at work, and be dissapointed by the people i expect disappointment from ... but if it ends well, and i go home happy, I'm ok.

And when I get a chance to hold on tight, i really don't want to let go.

the frustration, confusion, closeness, compassion, tenderness, empathy, ... and i rarely ever know what is going on ... a much as i try not to be a passenger in my own life, the blind shouldn't really be driving.
  • Current Music
    Ode to Joy is in my head, for some reason.

It's not as bad as it has sounded.

I've actually been fairly happy these last couple days, just confused about a few things. But that is normal operating procedure for me ... SNAFU.

I sleep so much lately ... probably because I have been sick. Set my alarm for noon today, and that didn't work out so well. Funny thing is, my dad woke me up today at 8:30 to move my car, and I was wide awake for that, could have stayed awake, but I went back to sleep because there is no purpose to being awake that early in the morning.

today, i don't know ... wanted to get my nails done, but it may be too late. that was pretty much the whole plan, so my night is open ... I may go see a friend in a bit ...

Nice to know that someone cares ... not so nice not knowing how much they care ... not so nice not knowing how much they care about another.

And realizing how much I set myself up to get hurt ... why is it always the most tumultuous, the most complex, the hardest to reach, the unavailable, the unreadable, the confused. It always seems to be the most complicated way, the most difficult people that I choose for myself. The most pain for the most reward? Does life work like that? Or is it just pain for whatever? And how long to I have to keep trying?

I'm getting fed up with being second best, second choice. But I put myself in that place, these situations. Maybe I aim too high? I finally set standards for people ... too much? Or I should hold out ... Ack. Confusion. I think about this crap way too much. all for a little human company.

But things are going well enough ...
  • Current Music
    DRI - Money Stinks