May 20th, 2003

topview

self sabotage.

Someday I will figure out what it is in my head that causes me to hold myself back from all that I know I am capable of, all I could accomplish ...

and hopefully someday after that i will figure out how to get over it.

hopefully someday soon.

I'm tired of sabotaging myself. I'm tired of being scared to try, to fail.
  • Current Mood
    determined determined
cleavage

summer has returned and i don't like it.

I had to turn on the A/C today ... i held out until I couldn't stand it anymore ... as i sit in the house in my underwear, and i can't stand the feel of my skin touching my skin, can't handle my hair on the back of my neck, everything i touch is warm, the sunlight slipping through the spaces in my blinds and scorching my skin while i'm trying to sleep ... days like this i want to cut my hair off again, but i resist the urge out of vanity and tie it up in a little warm knot on the back of my head ... i don't know how steph and kelly handle it, hair like a thick blanket, i can't even take the little bit i have when it's so hot.

and this is what i have to look forward to for the next three or four months ... i am not a warm weather girl.




I was outside work this morning, sweeping the front, and watching the planes take off from SNA, sound and speed and then disappearing into the morning fog ... and I can almost understand why Steph loves them so much.




I went to work last night, hoping for busy, hoping for chaos to rein in, something to keep my mind occupied. I walk into ... nothing. They haven't seen an animal all night. And I do not see an animal for the rest of the night ... the phone rings exactly once ... a minor problem and she doesn't want to bring the dog in ... some days my work is so interesting, and some days it is mind-numbingly, fight-to-stay-awake dull.

My little laptop, as frustrating as it is, kept me from going totally crazy.




i think most of us would get this same result ...

Midnight
Midnight - You are a deep thinker, always searching
for answers and never quite at home. You are
very contemplative, and enjoy being alone with
your thoughts.


When are you?
brought to you by Quizilla




before work last night, more fighting with belts ... always fun. no bruises that i've noticed yet.

I'm getting so nowhere with this "cleaning the house project" ... well, I can see my desk again ... that's good.

and back to work tonight ... i hope it's more entertaining. But i guess it's a good thing if animals are not injured ...




Dr. Harris said something to me this morning, while we were waiting for 8 am so we could close the hospital. I wish I could repeat what she said exactly, but things that happen in the morning are always fuzzy in my head.

bit of background ... Dr. Harris is a woman I greatly admire ... I've worked with her since I was 17, and she's one of the few doctors who did not create an immediate idea of me based on my youth, my appearance, my inexperience. I've learned a lot from her, not just about medicine, but about dealing with people, about taking a different outlook on life. She's one of the people who is constantly pushing me to improve myself.

So she's drinking coffee, and I'm mopping the floor ... She starts with, "Oh, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

My first thought is "what am I doing wrong" ... I've been having trouble with hospital protocol lately, since nothing is written down and I'm just supposed to know stuff no one has shown me ...

she continues. "It's about you going to school ... I've been thinking ... it would be such a waste if you didn't go to vet school." she goes on to flatter me until I'm blushing ... "I really consider you to be of very high intelligence ... almost genius level"

I squirm and deflect the compliments ... but it means a lot to me, coming from her.

She goes on to tell me what other doctors we've both dealt with think of me ... and I continue to blush and squirm, but I'm so very inspired that these educated, intelligent people think so highly of me.

And there's the part of my head that thinks they overestimate me, that I am somehow just very good at fooling them.
  • Current Music
    Voltaire - Almost Human