I've been a bit of an emotional wreck today. I've been functional, but very close to the edge of losing it ... small things that would normally not even touch me have pushed me over twice.
and made me think, just a bit.
"... you think that someone would only love you if you're taking care of them ..."
it is the way i think, or maybe the explanation for years of screwed up relationships, where i have been more than a mother than a girl ... i broke my cycle, i learned to recognize the situation before i put myself into it any more, but I've never had my reasoning laid out so clearly for me before. I've never seen it that way ... to realize it cut me deeply tonight.
no harm was meant ... so much stress today, i can't handle introspection.
and thinking about it made me so glad that things have changed for me ...
that wasn't the only thing today that got to me, but just an example. I don't do stress well. I can't see this situation with a reasonable perspective ... i'm getting very manic about it, thinking about going out and buying a new car before a time of death has been announced for the one i have now. sleep dep and trauma takes a toll.
i want to go home and go to bed, unless anyone calls and wants me to go to breakfast with them after work ... that would be nice ...
My car is non-repairable. The head is cracked.
My dad wants to put a new motor in it. I want to junk it and buy a new one. I can't really afford the payments, but i have the talent of making money appear. My mom seems to think that all car payments are near $800, but she does not realize that unlike her, I have no need for a $35,000 oversized American gashog truck.
the thing that's really bothering me is that my family is hardly telling me anything ... the shop called them at 4 o'clock today, and no one bothered to say anything to me until i came downstairs and asked what was going on. I asked them to call as soon as they heard anything, but they don't. Apparently what I want to do matters little.
my stomach hurts and i want to cry. I can't deal with this.