February 29th, 2004


people can be so fucking stupid ...

I'm sitting here at work, bored and annoyed and fighting to keep my eyes open. The radio is dull, it picks up nothing in this little dead zone and so I'm stuck with KROQ most of the time, and i'm too lazy to fight with it to pick up something better. The morning tech is going to show up in three hours and change it back anyway.
How apathetic is that ... three hours of better music isn't enough for me to get out of my comfy office chair and play with the radio for a few minutes.

I've been watching my friends behave in the most outrageous ways ... sometimes I'm blown away by how stupid otherwise intelligent people can be. I have no choice but to watch it all, but if anyone wonders why I'm watching from a further distance, take a look at what you do. I get sick of being there when people do the same stupid shit over and over. I'm tired of peoples games, guilt trips, cruelty, neuroses, and drama. the list of people i count as friends has grown shorter.
Yes, I can be a judgmental bitch. I'm in no mood to care. You are all welcome to do whatever you wish to do, and I will make my choices in how i will respond. Most likely with silence and honesty.

I'm really in a mood to spew hate ... i dare someone to call me and ask me how i really feel ... i'd be happy to tell you ...

or maybe i'll just convince myself that i don't care.

i guess if i didn't care about these people it wouldn't bother me when they behave as idiots.

I just want this shift to be over so i can go home and curl up in his arms, and pretend that the rest of this world doesn't exist. I want to keep him there so that I don't have any reason to come back to the OC ... i need to get away from all of this shit ... i know it's selfish of me, but i'm selfish.

i think i may be nearing some kind of breaking point.

Visited Season last night for a little while, and in a strange way, it was kinda nice. I had as pleasant a time as one could have while trying to keep someone company in a hospital room. Lots of talking, a few laps around the ward, including a tour of the hidden spaces on the floor.

i should go ... there was a phone call, and now a vomiting dog is coming in ...
  • Current Mood
    predatory predatory

more venom

Leap years have always bothered me ... i feel like February 29th is a day that just shouldn't exist.

I certainly feel like this one is a day that shouldn't exist.

I came home so exhausted that i don't remember falling asleep, don't remember crawling into bed beside Michael. I don't remember peeling off my scrubs, wet with the water that i used to do a gastric lavage half an hour after i was supposed to clock out. I don't remember much of driving home, just that i fought to keep my eyes open.

I feel like I have started an event, been a catalyst of some sort. Maybe. I doubt it matters, in the end. Everyone loves to think that all of my (anger, hate, annoyance) is directed at them alone. Don't be silly ... I have plenty to go around for everyone.

I'd like to say I'm sorry for offending anyone with what I'm posted. Truthfully, though, I'm not.

I doubt I'll be coming out much anymore. I can only deal with so much stress. I'm tired of the games, the politics. I'm tired of the people.
My life is richer without all of this bullshit.
Those of you that know I love you ... I still love you.
  • Current Music
    4 strings - diving

evil leap day

the evil leap day is almost over.
i don't feel much better, but i'm drunk enough that i finally stopped crying.
very little makes sense.
beer and german industrial music make things better.
Michael supports me far more than i would have ever expected him to.
I really can't believe the chaos ... several phone calls, some lj banter, a few e-mails, and i'm left with more questions than answers.
and i start to wonder where else i can go.
i know.
but it works.
i guess i might not have the friends i thought i did, but i doubt it matters, in the end.
I still haven't done my homework.
I'm drunk on Chinese beer.
I just showed michael the Fatboy Slim video with Christoper Walken. he seemed to enjoy it ... i think.
i spent too much time apologizing to him for my existence. he seems to like me despite my many flaws.
i love him. he's saving my sanity today.
  • Current Music
    das ich - destillat