March 2nd, 2004

jthm

worse.

I spend all night trying to convince myself that it's not as bad as i think it is, then i finally get a break at work to stop and look at LJ.

and i start to think that it's even worse than i was thinking, that i've lost more than i can deal with. I guess i'm fucked for trying to be anyone's friend, for caring.
i guess my policy from this point should just be to not care ...
but that's not really how it works for me.
so i'm going to make a statement that echoes what others have said recently - if you don't want to be my friend, be honest with me. be blunt. hurt my feelings once now and save me the dragging out of it all. because honestly, i'm not going to get any further down than i already am.

my mind aches for things i wish i could forget, that i wish i had never known.
I spend so much energy searching for something to equal that, something to carry me through. I'm too weak on my own.

I wonder what my point of no return is?
even michael barely makes me smile today.
i would give up if i knew how. I've got three days of work, school, and very little sleep ahead of me, and I honestly don't know how i'm going to do it. I've been up since 11 am Monday, and I'm not going to get the chance to leave work until 5pm today. After that, I'm going to go visit Nico, and then I'm going to go to my mom's house and sleep for a few hours before going back to work.
another couple days of complicated schedule follow that, but i don't feel like confusing myself by writing it out. Basically, I don't get to rest/relax/have a breakdown until friday noonish, after a doctor's appointment.
wish me luck in making it until then.

Season, your friend is a godsend. My hospital would be completely fucked without his help. I wish he would allow me to reimburse him.

I know my problems, my stress, is minor compared to others. I know i bitch about things that are of consequence only to me. it's my journal. my problems are only important to me. you'd probably be best off ignoring it all.

I guess I'm just wondering if I'm making it all worse.
  • Current Music
    Joey Ramone - Wonderful World
short and red

fallover

I just, a little bit ago, got home from work. I've been there since about 11:30 last night.

I'm so sleep deprived that things are feeling quite surreal.

I'm going to get about four hours of sleep, and then I've got to go back and work until morning.

someone kill me now?
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted