March 5th, 2004

black

tired of me

i should just keep my mouth shut, really.
i don't want to fuck up the one good thing i've got.
so i should stop behaving like a teenage girl, needy and paranoid.

i hate where i live.
it's lonely and it'll stay that way.

I spent 12 hours today learning a new computer system.
We were supposed to start using it tonight. An hour before the clinic was to open, I looked at it and realized how completely not ready we were. So I pushed the date back to friday. Then I decided that if I didn't start using it until Monday, I'd have all weekend to work on it. Then I realized that I wouldn't be there monday night. So Tuesday it is.
I procrastinate in ways you couldn't imagine.

I've got a doctor's appointment in the morning. It's to check on my IUD.
So I'm going to go there and be all exposed so that she can prod at me with horrible instruments and say, "yup, it's still there."

this really isn't getting better.
michael keeps telling me that things are going to get better.
i have a very hard time believing him.
i just see how they're going to get worse.
So i look to the long term, and find that i have very few realistic things to hope for.
i wish i could accept this.
i want something to look forward to.

I'm not going to get to go away to the river this month. maybe next month. maybe. The two weekends we could do, joe can't cover. i understand, one is short notice and the other is his girlfriend's birthday.
i just want to go away for a little while with the boy who keeps me happy.
if only our schedules coordinated better.
if only.

i'm going to go hope for some peace in sleep.
  • Current Music
    tick ... tick ... tick ... tick ... tick ...
i'm crushing your head ...

(no subject)

Nothing wakes you up like a nice cold speculum first thing in the morning. I'm in the fucking doctor's office almost monthly, and that whole procedure never gets any less crappy. On the good side, everything looks okay. On the bad side, she won't give me Vicodin.

Also fun first thing in the morning is getting reamed over the phone by the manager of our stupid fucking pet cremation service, because one of the morons i work with mislabeled a cat. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again. I'll go over procedure at our next staff meeting. Oh, this needs to be handled immediately? Okay, I'll write a memo and pull each staff member aside to discuss proper labeling of dead pets.
And I'll do it, too. Add it to the list.

Apparently now the doctor who is acting president of the board wants to meet with me next week, and i have to call him and set up a time. He's got a thick Indian accent I can barely understand. This will be a joy, i'm sure.

I promised Dr. Harris I'd be nicer at work. It's hard to be nice when it takes everything to not cry.
I'm supposed to be at work right now, adding service codes to the computer. I'll get around to going in eventually. Just can't bring myself to do it right now.

i'm hoping to find something interesting to do tonight, while maintaining low-key and anti-social. Maybe i'll just kidnap michael, take him back to moreno valley, and get wasted on scotch with him. Unless anyone has any other ideas.
  • Current Music
    The Cure - Lovecats