October 9th, 2004



it's back and forth and up and down and sometimes leaves me feeling like i've been put through the washing machine.

and i still wouldn't give it up for anything.
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    family guy

this is how much

I try to be optimistic. I try to look on the bright side, think positively, hope for the best. I hang on to every hopeful statement. I know that i'm not going to get through this without keeping my eyes on the long term good things.

But when i'm alone in the silence, when i close my eyes at night, the worries find their way back in. Every doubt, every vague statement, every outcome that isn't what i want ... these things roll over and over in my head. crying myself to sleep isn't avoidable anymore. it's so easy to want to give up, to end it and stop trying, stop working at this, to give myself at least something that is definite instead of this uncertainty.

but that's not really what i want. though the idea tempts like a drug, a promise of relief for the moment, i'll be - we'll be - worse off in the end. there's so much happiness that could be there, that will be there, that is there on the good days and the only thing that holds things together on the bad ones. the promise of a pot of gold at the end of this colorless rainbow.

the "what if" of it all is what really chills me ... i'm always in control, i'm always needed, i'm always wanted, and now i feel absolutely powerless, small, unimportant. I'll wait, and i'll help, and i'll do everything i can to at least feel like i'm contributing/fixing/building/helping, and i'll give all of myself so that you can be whole. i'll give all of myself, and smile the entire time, and really, truly, it is what i want to do.

and i'll wait until i crumble into dust, because there is only this one thing that i feel is worth waiting for.
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