March 12th, 2005

francine upset

(no subject)

The dishes are piled up in the sink. I have half the trash in the living room picked up, really only because i couldn't put anything else on the computer desk. so it's in a bag beside the desk. I haven't taken a shower, yesterday's makeup is in streaks down my face. i have things to do and no will to do them whatsoever.

the last two days, i've been barely able to feed myself. i'm mostly just curled up under a blanket on the couch, staring at the flickering screen because it keeps me from thinking, and thinking is acutely painful right now. i think and i cry.
i read old emails and i cry.
i check my email, and check my phone to make sure i didn't miss a call, and i cry, because there is nothing. i didn't miss anything, because there is nothing there.

i wonder how many people are gleeful at my misery. fuck you.

last night, i went out. i put on a fake face, and didn't talk very much and didn't drink very much, and i made it all the way through without giving them any bit of anything close to who i actually am. just like going to work. and then i got in the car and wept all the way home.

i always complain of feeling alone ... but christ ... i'm alone, i'm cold, i'm empty. i'm hopeless and want to sedate myself into a warm, grey place. i want to sleep and not think.
my body won't let me sleep through the night, even. i wake up in the dark and stare at the ceiling.

there isn't a thing in this house that doesn't provide a painful memory.
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    pixies - where is my mind