March 17th, 2005

francine upset

go back to zero take your pill and get well

I don't think i ever really understood the idea of "heartbreak" before.
I've been sad, even distraught over relationships that went badly. I've hurt and been hurt. I've cried buckets.
But i've never had my heart broken before. I've never felt like this before. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I was asked once "what would you do if it doesn't work out?" and i replied that I didn't know, I didn't have a plan b, because i was in with my whole heart. Maybe that was my mistake, letting him in like that, leaving my heart unguarded and vulnerable - offering it up on a platter to a man who i think i always knew would cause me pain, and who i loved enough that it didn't matter.

decisions were made today, and i have to accept that it is over, actually over, and all hope has been crushed out like a cigarette under my boot. I need to start over and move on and pick up the pieces and blah blah ... i need to get my shit together and try not to fall apart in the meantime. I need to take care of myself. I need to learn to be truly alone.

It's hard to accept. I know i'm not supposed to have hope, i've been told this, but i don't think the desire for a Someday, and a Happy Ending, will ever leave the back of my mind. I cannot depend on this. I cannot allow myself to depend on this. I need to let it die ...

I really should hook up an IV line, as i believe i am becoming dehydrated from crying.

I have some great friends. stephinextremis helped me indulge in some retail therapy, went to dinner with me, listened, and empathized. I couldn't ask for anything more from anyone.

Afterward, not wanting to return home, I went and found Heather (who has been there for me for every breakup since cryss). This is where the night got really strange ...
A friend of hers was celebrating a birthday, and a small group was going to a strip club. Heather invited me, and having nothing to lose (besides some $1's) and no will to make decisions on my own, I went with. Surprisingly enough, i didn't feel totally awkward all night - the place was really relaxed. Near naked girls were walking around, and people were smoking and drinking and playing pool, and i was almost comfortable. One girl with amazing tattoos ended up hanging out with us for most of the night, and Heather was sweet enough to buy me a lap dance.
Really, nothing distracts from misery quite like stripper crotch in my face. According to the witnesses after i returned from the lap dancing area, i may even have smiled for a few moments. possibly.

i'm not smiling now, but it's alright. i'm sipping my wine and petting the cats and trying to sop up tears. I will get through. I may be a wreck now, but I am stronger than i appear on the outside.

I should have saved my pride and my dignity and walked away first ... but i still think it was too good and too right to walk away from.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

(no subject)

how on earth am i supposed to fall out of love with someone?

i love him as much as i ever have ... and i'm just supposed to stop?
  • Current Mood
    crushed terrified, conflicted, morose


the temptation is to get in my car and drive until i hit something that makes me want to stop ...
i'm an admitted escapist. i want to escape. i'm looking desperately for an escape and i don't have one.
there were all these places i had planned to go - monterey, the river, new orleans ... i can't really imagine going alone. the silence takes up too much space.

i'm drinking purple wine from a dirty glass and it's stronger than i expected ... combined with the fact that i've been unable to eat ... i'm fucked up.

everyone has advice, everyone wants to make me feel better ... as nice as it all is, it doesn't work. I've got a some good friends, though ... the ones that listen to me sob into the phone, tell me stories to make me laugh, and just understand that i'm miserable and it's okay and it's just the way it's going to be for right now.

just knowing that nothing will make me feel better is a horrible feeling in itself.
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy