March 21st, 2005


repair and self destruction

While trying to set up a dog on the ventilator is not the best time to go hypoglycemic.
Especially when i have no time, food, or money.
I drank 25 ml of injectable dextrose. I hope to never, ever have to taste that again.

Shenan bought me ice cream after that. There goes the diet, but i felt better.

A phone conversation was had last night that made me feel just a little bit better about things. a teensy bit. still devastated, less paranoid.
i know i'm not supposed to hope, that i have to accept that it is over and gone and dead ... but how does one not hope? every day i wake up and hope that this is a nightmare ... i hope that things will change ... i know i'm just prolonging my disappointment, but christ ... i want what i want, and i can't stop my mind from imagining ways.
in the end, i can't change his mind. i know that.

The depressing music has to stop, but it holds me ...

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this music holds me and kills me. i revel in the empathy and weep in the shared sorrow. but music has always been so important to me ... there's a song for ever feeling, and a feeling attached to every song.
so much time to sit in my car and listen to the songs over and over again.

i'm not getting anything done ... i need to clean my house, i need to do my homework, i need to call the dentist, i need to cut my hair ... i need to take a break but i'm afraid to stop moving for fear that i will drown in my own thoughts.

anyone want to go to san diego or something for a day? shopping or touristing or staring at the ocean?
or vegas for a couple days?
or the desert?
i don't like running away by myself ... i always take people with me. miss_geek, when you come back, i really must take you to the river. I think you'd like it, and i know Dasan would love it.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
short and red

(no subject)

So this is the bridesmaids dress I will have to wear in november.

I'm not too hot on it ... maybe with a corset and stuff underneath. The color isn't the most flattering. But it's the wedding of the girl i've know for 24 years ... i will put up with it. My family was talking to her parents (who are footing the bill for this production) and I guess the food alone is going to cost $20,000. Insane. But she's spoiled.

When i get married in vegas, she better be there.

in other non-news, i don't want to go to work tonight. Two more days. no more supervisor shifts. Two days until i get to relax. Joe and I are supposed to go out for drinks wednesday night, which may impede my homework getting done. Maybe I should postpone this - it's all linear equations, which i'm not sure i completely grasp, and i'll have to draw them all out. and i have a test thursday morning. responsibility vs. sanity ... hmm. i'll have to think about it.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative