a treasure chest of lust and mortal sin

Last night was ... odd.

I was all ready for the club, dressed in my finest and done up. Then Kylie showed up, and at the last minute i decided that i had to wear something completely different. So I changed from long fluffy dress to shortshort skirt and velvet tank top, and off we went. I wrote down the directions and then forgot them, but we did get there after only a short detour.

I don't know what it was about the place, but there was a very weird vibe going on ...
eventually, i got drunk enough to ignore any vibe at all and dance upstairs. The dancing made it all worthwhile.

Lots of people were there ... Danny and Lena, Chuck, and bunches of friends of Kylie's that I ended up talking to. Something was just off, the whole night.

but what the hell, i'd go back.

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Woke up at 9am with low blood sugar, and now I can't get back to sleep. This is going to make work difficult tonight.

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I'm taking Tyler to the prom next week. This looks silly, but i think it could be fun ... and it wouldn't take much to be better than my high school prom. *shudder*
That was something to be forgotten ... driving up in my beat up grand am, me in my ren faire dress and bad makeup, my boyfriend who wouldn't dance, and wouldn't let me dance with anyone else - so the whole night was sitting at the table for four hours. Getting drunk off cheap nasty beer after the prom, in a shared hotel room ... I can still remember holding my dress up so it didn't drag on the stone stairs of the Motel 6 when we went in.
Yeah, high school sure was great.

So I'm doing this prom thing over again. and my dress is much hotter.

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I don't know why this video makes me laugh so much, but i watched it twice and cracked up. The scientific explanation of brainfreeze is a kick, too.

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All the people, the talking, the dancing, the flirting ... it's all half-hearted, because there's still only one thing i really want.
i hope he knows.

Now that my hair is almost completely purple, i have this odd, strong desire to dye my hair black. looking at some old pictures, i thought it looked nice ... but then, it may just have been good lighting.

i have short attention span when it comes to hair color.

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I'm not having a good day. I'm having an insecure, sad, needy, lonely day. not the kind of lonely anyone can fix, either. Days like this, when i get bored and start reading old e-mails, looking at old pictures, and remembering what it felt like, back then ...
and this is how i fuck myself over.
and this is also why i go out every night, why i drink, why i dance and make the world a blur ... so i don't stop to think. so i don't remember.
it's dangerous when i'm alone.

time hasn't really healed anything. time has allowed me to learn how to cope. time has allowed for plenty of distraction. In the end, it's just as fresh and raw, under the haze.

time to go to work ... put on lip gloss and a cold fake smile and don't say anything to anyone, lest they realize that i'm human. Ice queen is the easiest veneer.

and i'll get through this day, and i'll get through the next, and the next ... i just have to wonder when it won't be a struggle again.

and he goes on without me, and if that's what is best, there's never going to be anything i can do.