May 30th, 2005


the more I give to you the more I die

It's a real shock to find out that the person you loved and trusted for years, even after the end, has been playing you for a fool.

This isn't the happiest day i've ever had. I received some information this morning that made my head spin - and put all the pieces together, at the same time. And as painful as it was, i'm glad i got it (thank you).

I let myself sleep for a few hours. And then i woke up and set out to find him. No one answered the phone, so i drove to his house. No one there, so i stopped to take a breath, call Steph, and regroup. Then i went to the next place i thought he might be, and found him there.

I told him what i knew. I asked for the truth. He gave it to me, as far as I know.
I told him what I thought of the things he did. I told him how much my opinion of him had fallen, considering his actions.
I told him what a fucking cowardly bastard he was.

I also told him how stupid and used he made me feel. How humiliated i was, for having the wool pulled over my eyes like that and being the last one to know.

We had a long talk, that we should have had months ago. I wish that he had been able to say then what he can discuss now ... things may have been better, or at least easier.

If i was a smart girl, i would walk away and never, ever, look back.
I think it has been thoroughly proven that i am a fool.
I know myself, and i know how deep he is under my skin. As much as i hate him now, i will always love him ... i gave him my heart a long time ago. And I don't know if i am capable of walking away forever.
my emotions are in turmoil.
Even though he is the one who causes me this much pain, he's also the one who comforts me.

I still can't believe he, the one i loved so much, the one who i would have done anything for, could do this to me.

I kissed him goodbye and walked away.
Maybe i'll look back, and maybe i won't.
Maybe i'm just a fool.

and remember, kiddies ... "friends-only" is only as good as your friends are, bless your little drama-spreading hearts.
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