June 2nd, 2005

kaseygoyle

"i'm a carpool, i'm a carpool..."

Maschine was an odd place last night, or maybe i was just in an odd mood.
well, i'm definitely in an odd mood.

Kylie: "People are going to think it's strange that i'm wearing a different shirt than the one i came in wearing."
Me: "Nah. It's not like people sit around at these clubs and discuss what everyone is wearing."
Kylie: "oh ye- hey! yes they do!"

hell, that's the most interesting thing to do at some clubs. At this one, however, it was more interesting to watch the dancing. I felt bad for laughing.

I'm spending tomorrow (okay, to be technical, today) up here, then coming back to OC in the late evening. I may or may not go to Perversion - i could do without spending the money, and i have bunches of stuff to do friday, but you know ... it would be fun. and fun is hard to pass up.

Friday ... i'm a bit nervous about friday. I'm meeting with her... i don't want to look her in the face, but i'm meeting her for lunch. Why? i'm not quite sure. i want the whole story. i have questions, and asking them via email wasn't working so well, because i'm having a hard time even organizing my thoughts.
He wants to prove himself to me, and so i want to find out if i've gotten the whole truth.
i feel i owe her an apology, as well. not that i'm absolving her of all responsibility, but many of the things i took to be truth about her were based on inaccurate and incomplete information. had i known the whole truth, my anger would have been divided a bit more equally.
i honestly have no idea how this is going to go.

Danny's gone, for a few months. sad. but i have someone to write to now, i guess.

things are better ... not a whole lot less confusing, but somehow, just better.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
godlover

the making of decisions and the judgement thereof

I'm pretty sure that this is one of those times in a life where things could go a number of different ways ... a crossroads of sorts. These things happen from time to time. I think i should consider myself lucky when i have the luxury of knowing where i am, and being able to take my time and think carefully about my actions and their consequences.

that being said ... i'm an adult. i'm not without at least some intelligence. i can decide how much risk i'm willing to take. No one has been assigned to protect me from getting hurt. It's my ride.

I know I've been venting about the issues of this week, between Michael and I. I know when i vent and post things on LJ and send weepy text messages, i understand that the person receiving the information will no doubt form an opinion, and that's totally acceptable. Sharing the opinion is also perfectly acceptable - often, i ask for it. I love those who will actually listen, and discuss. i hope to do the same for others.

But telling me what i have to do? not okay. Talking to me like i'm stupid? not okay. Forgetting that i did spend two years with the subject of your vitriol, and that i may know him just a *bit* better than you? not okay.

What is written in my LJ is a small fraction of the whole truth. I have always promised honesty, but i don't feel the need to share every detail, or even the whole picture. There's more to the story. There's such a complicated backstory. There's history here, people.

Right now, i don't feel that i want to cut him out of my life. Communication is open, i am being protective of myself, and we're still close. I didn't learn a whole lot this week that i didn't already suspect, and in a way, it's nice to have it out in the open where it can all be dealt with.

I'm just taking things day-by-day. No one has an agenda. I'll do what makes me happiest, how's that? and if you want to be my friend - respect my choices.

Lastly ... if there's anyone else who knew what was going on, and for whatever reason decided to not tell me, could you just let me know now? that would be great. kthxdie.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed