June 3rd, 2005

geisha - sinfest

(no subject)

I'm not quite sure what the fuck is going on anymore ...

apparently i'm pissing people off all over the place, and i'm really not quite sure what i've done now ... but badly enough to ruin my night?

but the ones i'd never expect it from are being friendly to me.

i told michael earlier tonight -
"i know too much now, and it's making my brain hurt."

I now know things i never imagined ... my suspicions were correct, but i never knew the extent of the situation. I'm almost impressed - to set up a situation, a dual life, to that extent takes a certain amount of skill. I couldn't do it, i know that.

It's all out there. it hurt to hear it again today, but now i know that i have the whole story, from multiple sides.

What hurts almost as much as the lies he told me are the lies he told about me.

Lunch was delicious, but i had no appetite, hearing what she said. The physicality of cheating doesn't bother me nearly as much as the emotional aspect, and to hear of the one i love being in love with another while i had no idea ... painful.

After lunch with Ariana, I went over to his house, and did the same thing i've been doing all week - tore into him for an hour or so. After that, we talked for quite a long time. Less sobbing, more discussion of the what and the why and the how did it get to that point? We're both really emotionally screwed up at this point.

i still think the best thing for me to do right now is nothing at all ... no decisions, no plans, no speculation. there's just too much of everything right now, and i'd hate to do something i'll regret later.

i'm doing my best to tread carefully now.

lots on my mind tonight ... going to go dance it away, for now.
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