July 13th, 2005

kaseygoyle

our house. in the middle of our street.

For all that I keep saying that i'm becoming free from the thoughts that have plagued me for the last two months, i can't quite let go ... i had to push a painful subject, create a painful conversation that did me and him not a bit of good. no harm done, i believe, but i just had to push ... stupid.

sometimes i test people. how much will you take from me without getting angry, how much before you push me a away? are your limits really what you say they are? it's not right, but it's a bad, old habit.

work was somewhat pleasant last night. slight deja vu of saturday, with two side by side "semi-ventilator" patients ... intubated, anesthetized, and monitored, but still breathing on their own. Saturday, they were full vent patients, with fluid on the lungs. Today, it was a pair of seizure dogs, nothing to complicated to maintain, both on loads of barbituates.

i want to hook myself up to a pento drip. i could use a nice, grey coma.

i'm a little annoyed at my school, more annoyed at myself ... i screwed up a stupid answer on a stupid quiz because i was shaky and hypoglycemic. it won't mess me up too bad, but i was annoyed.

He's going to buy me a house someday, he says ...
maybe someday, that will be a reality that i can believe.
in seattle, he says. grey skies and green trees ... it's a nice idea.
houses in seattle are even cheaper than houses in moreno valley.
i have friends up there that could help me find work.
i should stop thinking about this. optimism will be the death of me.

Flea's back hurts him again. i'm worried.
i need to sleep.
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    contemplative contemplative
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wrath

ew.

... and the surprises, they just keep coming.
one unpleasant conversation today, one still to be had.

but in all honesty, i'm shouldn't be surprised, considering the people involved.
  • Current Mood
    nauseated nauseated