kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

  • Mood:

arrogant bastard for an arrogant bastardess.

To all the future attendees of my birthday party:

A keg of Arrogant Bastard Ale has been procured for the event. If you don't like arrogant bastard ale, then bring your own fizzy yellow beer. :)

I was going to buy a keg of something i knew most people would like, but then i got all selfish and bought a keg of beer that Heather and I love. And if people don't drink it, more for me.

My car is in the shop again. The #2 cylinder is nonfunctional. This was discovered last night when Michael and I tried to go out to the vegan place for dinner.

I didn't get my vegan dinner. I got to spend an hour and a half poking around at my car's guts with my dad, only to decide that the car needed to go into the shop. I learned much about spark plugs. We went to Harbor House instead, and i tried my best to keep michael from stabbing cops and loud emo kids. Vegan food would have been better.

I missed a brain pill the other night, wednesday. Actually, i would have taken it early thursday morning. I stayed down here wednesday night, and didn't think to bring my pills with me. That was the first missed dose i've had.

The results, by friday, were catastrophic.

Even with the meds, i've been a bit down lately - the stress of the party planning, crazy work, tests at school, trying to help michael stay stable - it all has been adding up. On top of that, i'm going through PMS - usually a bad time for me emotionally, plus cramps. And then I missed a pill.

I forgot where I set my keys, and started sobbing. It didn't really stop until early this morning. Michael didn't know what was wrong, didn't know how to react to me, so he didn't react at all, and i felt completely alone, which didn't help me not cry. We fought, i tried and failed (completely) to keep myself together, i said inflammatory things without even realizing how inflammatory they were, and how much damage i was doing.

I don't like how dependent I've become on these pills, especially in such a short time period. I was talking to michael about it, in between sobbing and apologizing, and he said something that really stuck -before i started on the meds, i was like that nearly every day. and i really was.

in the middle of all that, the last thing i needed to hear was heather berating me for taking anti-depressants. She of all people knows that i wouldn't decide to do that without a lot of thought. It really brought me down even further. I love heather, but that was harsh.

so chalk it all up to a lesson learned - I am useless as a human without my medication, and i should never miss a pill ever again. I ruined our whole day because i'm a basket case and can't control my emotions.

the paranoia has been really bad - i've become convinced that no one wants much to do with me, that i'm unlovable, that no one cares about me, that i've somehow managed to alienate everyone around me. I think I have. I've been told that my hatred for the world has been showing so much that no one wants to reach out to me. Personally, i'm really done reaching out to anyone because so few reach back at all. i don't have the mental energy to continue making the effort. And if it seems like i hate everyone, that isn't quite true. I don't. I despise certain people. There are people that disgust me, that i feel are toxic and contaminate the world with their existence. There are those who clearly don't like me, and that's okay, i'll just try to avoid the conflict. I feel safer hiding from everything.

I've had this weird inclination lately, to forgive all and make peace with everyone. This may make things easier, but violates my personal moral code. I have standards for people, or maybe better termed rules of conduct, and allowing anyone who doesn't meet those standards/rules just brings me down as a person.

i doubt i make sense. I'm sorry. I'm not bothering to be rational right now.

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