kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

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merry fucking christmas.

This is going to be a very difficult holiday ...

I've felt extremely isolated all week. With my entire family? sitting on the couch with my brother, the only other person anywhere near my age. the only person who i think even cared whether or not i was there is my aunt lynn, who's always been wonderful.

I'm alone at home, all the time, and it looks like that's how it's going to be tonight even though Michael and i had made plans. A better offer came along. No matter that this may be the only day we have until after christmas. no matter that i got this night off with plans to do something. no matter at all.

Eleni left me a message asking if i wanted to go out to some bar with a large group of people i don't know, but i don't know that i'm up to it, or that it would really be a good idea.

My immediate family? they're going away for christmas. I told them that i'd bring their presents by on the twenty-third, so they could take them to the river to open on christmas. I've got a couple things under the tree, and the thought of being by myself on christmas morning, opening presents, is making me cry.

I don't like this holiday. I don't really celebrate it. What i do envy is the closeness, the human bonds that i see all over the place, and i can't have them.

I took a minute to do my insulin before dinner, and by the time i sat down to eat, my family was done and everyone left the table as soon as i arrived. dinner by myself again, no matter who i'm with.

I've got a vacation planned, a short trip to monterey between christmas and new year's. Michael doesn't know if he can get the time off, or if he even wants to go. so i wait, and hope, and continue to need a break, very badly.

For a couple of weeks there, i was almost close to happy! wasn't that neat. I hate the holidays.

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