kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

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i'm a HBB!

First, I want this shirt.
not that it does me any good, but it's nice to know that i'm a member of an elite class.

I can't sleep because I'm getting my car today. And I have $15,500 in cash in an envelope next to me. It's kinda neat. I want to get naked and roll around in it. actually, i'm terrified that i'm going to lose this envelope and be totally fucked. This is far too much money for me to be entrusted with.

I was reading one of my mom's crappy women's magazines this morning (there's nothing in this house to read, and i'll read just about anything with printed words), and it actually had something useful in it. Useful and depressing.

A quote from some monk - "The glass is already broken".
It is in regard to some gift of glass received, that no matter how loved or precious it is, it is inevitable that someday it will fall from a table, or crack while being washed - in essence, nothing lasts forever, and the end of everything is inevitable.

And how does this apply?

well ... in my optimistically pessimistic worldview - Every good thing i have will someday end, and cause me heartbreak and sadness in some way or another. There's no sense in caring for much of anything, because (the glass is already broken) it's as good as gone the moment i have it.

i like this philosophy, but i don't know if i'll be able to incorporate it. Maybe I can use it to make it easier to accept loss and pain. I get the bits of joy in my life from the little things i have moment-to-monent, so if I don't allow myself to love and appreciate them, what is the point? Should I resign myself to not caring, because in the end entropy rules anyway?

the mind boggles.

and i should stop thinking too much before noon.

I'm going to see Michael today before work - hopefully the issues that have been plaguing us this week will work themselves out. We're both such unyielding personalities, it's hard for either of us to see ourselves objectively and admit fault. I tend to follow this flawed logic: I hold myself to very high standards and wouldn't allow myself to do anything that wasn't completely and totally correct. Therefore, I am in the right because i wouldn't dare to do anything wrong. I know it doesn't work like that. But in heated situations, that's the path my mind follows.

I'm a real piece of work. This is why i warn people who are interested in dating me with a quote from an ex-boyfriend - "You're more trouble than you're worth."
No one seems to understand why without being around me for a long time. I feel guilty for putting people though what i give them.
I miss my therapist. I wish i wasn't poor.

Heh. I can justify to myself spending $15,500 on a new car, but i can't find room in my budget for $80 per week. Fucked priorities.

I feel like I owe the world an apology.

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