the last two days, i've been barely able to feed myself. i'm mostly just curled up under a blanket on the couch, staring at the flickering screen because it keeps me from thinking, and thinking is acutely painful right now. i think and i cry.
i read old emails and i cry.
i check my email, and check my phone to make sure i didn't miss a call, and i cry, because there is nothing. i didn't miss anything, because there is nothing there.
i wonder how many people are gleeful at my misery. fuck you.
last night, i went out. i put on a fake face, and didn't talk very much and didn't drink very much, and i made it all the way through without giving them any bit of anything close to who i actually am. just like going to work. and then i got in the car and wept all the way home.
i always complain of feeling alone ... but christ ... i'm alone, i'm cold, i'm empty. i'm hopeless and want to sedate myself into a warm, grey place. i want to sleep and not think.
my body won't let me sleep through the night, even. i wake up in the dark and stare at the ceiling.
there isn't a thing in this house that doesn't provide a painful memory.