kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

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i close my eyes and it only gets worse

I am an escapist, and right now i'm wishing for a way to escape my own mind. It's hard to work - to live - when i'm always just a blink away from an emotional breakdown ... fighting back tears while walking dogs, and just trying, fighting to not remember. Every little thing has a hidden connection ... i talked to a coworker about going out for a drink and was flooded by memories of Little Knight, mixed drinks and bar fights and watching it all from the patio, giggling and flirting and chain-smoking.

this and a million different things.

i'm not doing a very good job here.

and the plans unmade ... someone said something about my hair, and i remember him talking, the night before he broke it off, about how having a girlfriend with purple hair was perfectly fine with him.

i want to see him, but i don't want him to see me like this. this is not my best - this is my weakest, my most emotional, my most miserable.

i remember every mistake i made ... every fight i pushed just a little bit further ... every inadequacy i couldn't let go of ... every demand i made ... and i feel like i destroyed all of this little by little. no one to blame but myself for the loss of what was most precious to me.
i can't forgive myself for this.

carry out the sentence.
i get what i deserve.
i'm just an effigy to be defaced.
to be disgraced.
your need for me has been replaced.
and if i can't have everything well then just give me a taste.

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