kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

  • Mood:

public disaster

i've realized that since last week, when i became completely overwhelmed by my own misery, i've turning into a horribly dull person that can't hold a decent conversation because every. single. thing. leads my mind right back to the focus of my pain.
I figure it's a week or so before my friends get sick of it.
i don't know why anyone is still talking to me.

I'm trying to go out, to get my mind off of it. Justin wants to hang out, Heather wants to take me to Release the Bats, Joe's having me over for drinks on wednesday, Shenan wants to go out for drinks, and Michelle wants to go bowling with all the riverside folk. in trying to distract myself, i've become a more social person than i have been in ages.

still, there's just no getting around it. The last thing i want is to be the subject of everyone's pity, but i don't fake happy very well at all.

i think i'm fucking losing it.

i pour my heart out to just about anyone that will listen, but i don't want to tell anyone anything. i post here, unfiltered, un-friendslisted, the details of all this ... me at my most vulnerable, weak, and pathetic. I don't have any pride left.

i don't know what i want or need, but i sit here waiting for it, and want to die a little more every day.

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