kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

  • Mood:

repair and self destruction

While trying to set up a dog on the ventilator is not the best time to go hypoglycemic.
Especially when i have no time, food, or money.
I drank 25 ml of injectable dextrose. I hope to never, ever have to taste that again.

Shenan bought me ice cream after that. There goes the diet, but i felt better.

A phone conversation was had last night that made me feel just a little bit better about things. a teensy bit. still devastated, less paranoid.
i know i'm not supposed to hope, that i have to accept that it is over and gone and dead ... but how does one not hope? every day i wake up and hope that this is a nightmare ... i hope that things will change ... i know i'm just prolonging my disappointment, but christ ... i want what i want, and i can't stop my mind from imagining ways.
in the end, i can't change his mind. i know that.

The depressing music has to stop, but it holds me ...

morphine ...
I propose a toast to my self control
You see it crawling helpless on the floor
Someday there'll be a cure for pain
That's the day I throw my drugs away
When they find a cure for pain

nine inch nails ...
how could you turn us into this?
after you just taught me how to kiss you.
I told you i'd never say goodbye.
now i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.

nick cave ...
This garden that I built for you
That you sit in now and yearn
I will never leave it, dear
I could not bear to return
And find it all untended
With the trees all bended low
This garden is our home, dear
And I got nowhere else to go

this music holds me and kills me. i revel in the empathy and weep in the shared sorrow. but music has always been so important to me ... there's a song for ever feeling, and a feeling attached to every song.
so much time to sit in my car and listen to the songs over and over again.

i'm not getting anything done ... i need to clean my house, i need to do my homework, i need to call the dentist, i need to cut my hair ... i need to take a break but i'm afraid to stop moving for fear that i will drown in my own thoughts.

anyone want to go to san diego or something for a day? shopping or touristing or staring at the ocean?
or vegas for a couple days?
or the desert?
i don't like running away by myself ... i always take people with me. miss_geek, when you come back, i really must take you to the river. I think you'd like it, and i know Dasan would love it.

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