kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

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pain, and repeat.

I'm getting so tired of this back and forth and round and round ...
i feel like we're going over the same things over and over again, and every time i have to hear any of it, it is a heartbreak all over again.

silly me, i thought i'd only have to go through this pain once.
who am i kidding ... i'll go through it a hundred times again.

i read back in this thing and realize how much was just a lie ...
the weekend he spent up here, the wonderful weekend where we went hiking and talked about vacationing in Monterey. We went out to dinner, we cuddled on the couch and drank. The weekend where it seemed like things were looking up. He lied to her, he covered it up to her.
I was so happy that weekend, to finally have time to have a night with him, and he told her that he slept on the couch.

the denial of us, it stings.

so much more makes sense now. little things that seemed odd back then fit into place when i have the whole picture.
suspicions that i wrote off to paranoia turned out not only to be true, but a small fraction of the truth.

I'm a stronger person now than i was then. being alone for this time has made me learn to rely on myself, and that i can't collapse onto anyone when something goes wrong. i can't collapse at all.
it doesn't mean i don't get as hurt. It does mean that i can (hopefully) handle it more constructively.

even more than i don't know what i'm going to do, i'm simply paralyzed at this point.
i want to get past this.
i want to be happy.
i want no further damage.

i'm rambling again.

something bad got into my computer ... i'm being eaten alive by popup ads.
Tags: love

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