Ignorance was blissful ... comparatively.
it was easier not to know, and to dream without complications.
my dreams have been especially cruel lately, but it's still preferable to being awake.
Trader Joe's makes this "Artichoke & Hearts of Palm Salad" that is just really fucking good. i don't remember who got me liking hearts of palm a while ago, but they're nummy.
Very nervous ... about tonight, about the rest of my life ... doubting my own judgment every second that i'm not doubting everything he ever told me.
I will not be blind, no matter the pain. I will not refuse to see.
The most difficult time i ever had falling asleep was the morning i found everything out ... it was early morning, and there was nothing i could do at that point. I had to work that night, i had to sleep at least a few hours.
I lay on the couch and tried to stop the tears, tried to slow the thoughts racing through my mind. It took me hours to fall asleep, on a day in which i had barely been able to keep my eyes open long enough to drive home.
I went to him that afternoon, with the intention of getting the truth from him, and then cutting him loose - never seeing or speaking to him again.
I failed, at that.
I'm not good at letting things go, even when it's good for me.
At one point, two or three months before the end, i pleaded for a reason, something to give me the strength to walk away.
Another girlfriend would have been enough of a reason ... i could have walked away, but he didn't give me that.
Sometimes I wish he did.
And sometimes, i'm glad he didn't.
"I don't know whether you're an angel or a fool ..."
I loved him more than i ever have loved anyone or anything in my entire life ... how do i walk away from that?
i have paid time available to give away, if anyone wants it. if anyone can give me a reason for me to give it to you.