An existential depression. Just a bit of one, and really, it's not as pretentious as it sounds. I'm just trying to figure out where i fit into this world, this society - or more accurately, why I don't fit in.
I don't make friends easily. I have two people I consider close friends, maybe two or three more that are a few degrees further away. People try to make friends with me, put effort into getting me out and into the social realm, but it's so hard to convince myself of the benefits of going along with it.
Sometimes I wonder if i'm lacking or missing some vital connection somewhere. I don't bond with people, I can't do the interactions that make up personal relations. "Small talk" doesn't appeal to me. In conversations that I don't care about, I often have to think up what the appropriate reaction would be, and then enact it. It just doesn't come naturally. Most of the time, I'm fine with all of it, but sometimes my social awkwardness is pushed back into my face, and it gets to me.
The discussion tonight was, "but does it matter?"
And i come to see that from another point of view, it may not be a negative thing at all. Just different.
Some people even seem to appreciate it, and i'm surprised ... and a bit happier.