kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,

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choosing a path and large dead dogs.

so much to write about, so little i really want to share ...

but you understand.

life has been busy, stressful, and complicated lately ... i've been working a lot and will continue to be working too much for the next couple of days. I have not had the time i would like to spend with my friends, but oh well, time will come. there is all the time in the world.

and the ones that come to find me make me happy ... brighten my nights.

so far, work has been a weekend of death and ickiness. i walked into a small disaster area today ... had it under control within an hour, but my jaw dropped when i walked through the door and saw my small hospital ... a body on the table, the accessories of CPR scattered around it ... an incubator in the middle of the room holding a heart disease cat gasping for air, clients and patients in the lobby and in the exam rooms, cages full with patients overdue for treatments and feedings and new bedding, cages empty and dirty ... laundry strewn about the place ... charts and paperwork all over the counters. and i think ... at least i won't be bored this evening.

and i wasn't.

but i am exhausted now. almost every dog we saw tonight was over 100 pounds. and they all had to be lifted to some place or another ... i wish any of the girls i work with had any strength.

the issues, dilemmas, conflicts in my head ... i know what i really want. I know which path i want to take. when told to follow my heart ... that makes my choice obvious.

so in a way, some of my confusion is resolved ... or just focused ...

i said what i needed to say. i was honest with myself, and open with another ... my feelings have been made clear.

and that is a hard thing for me to do ... i have this tendency to guard my feelings, to keep others from having any ammunition to hurt me with. I shouldn't be so paranoid. I'll get hurt one way or another. optimism, there ...

I've been in a mood lately that scares me a little bit ... i question what is driving me to keep going ... to continue playing this game that I have always lost, and am destined, like all of us, to continue losing ... the days are becoming wearisome despite, or maybe because of, the events contained within them. but the is no out from this game ... i must continue to push forward without really knowing why.

I'm sure I'll get over it. maybe. hopefully.

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