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insomnia ...

I got a good half an hour of sleep before my phone rang ... and I had to answer it, because I am compulsive like that ... and because I recognized the ring.

i continue to torture myself.

So i talked long enough to be fully awake, and I have spent the last hour with my eyes closed, head under a pillow, trying to get back to sleep. not happening.

my mind won't slow down. all the worries to the surface ... I'm worried about marge ... marge's cat ... my river plans that are going nowhere ... school ... I worry that me emotional neediness as of late will drive people away ... i worry that i am alone ... and will stay this way ... i worry about my mental state ... all this undirected rage and energy. I'm in a mood to smash bottles just for the satisfaction of hearing breaking glass ... moods like this get me in trouble.

can't relax ...

I'm no good at being alone.

Comments

( 9 made me bleed — cut me )
johnangel
Jun. 4th, 2003 09:25 am (UTC)
You can't drive a true friend away... Not unless you wrong them.
francescamuffin
Jun. 4th, 2003 10:24 am (UTC)
ohhh..
being alone is crap.
do hugs help???
*hugs*
these online journals are so interesting.
i always think i am completely alone and then i come online and see someone write something that makes me totally relate to all the things i am going through.
go figure.
allthingsshiny
Jun. 4th, 2003 03:43 pm (UTC)
Re: ohhh..
Funny how that works. We're all alone together, or something, maybe.

Hugs help.
rusty_sunshine
Jun. 4th, 2003 11:21 am (UTC)
You are loved by many, and for that reason you will never be truly alone unless you ask to be.

I may not identify with the exact circumstances that you're experiencing right now, but I can tell you that I understand a lot of how you feel and experience it every day.

I'm here for you if you need anything...company, a chat, time spent away from TC, whatever. You're my friend and I love you no matter what mood you may be in.
allthingsshiny
Jun. 4th, 2003 03:46 pm (UTC)
Steph, you've always been a great and very tolerant friend to me. thank you.

very rarely do I truely want to be alone ... sometimes i want to escape, but I'm always happier escaping with someone.
rusty_sunshine
Jun. 4th, 2003 05:24 pm (UTC)
Re:
You're welcome.

I'm almost the opposite, in that most of the time that I "want to be alone", I really do want to be ALONE, gone, goodbye, out of reach of everyone...see my last trip back east, for example. But there are some times that I have to have someone with me for my own sanity.

I was always such a loner growing up (and am arguably not much different now) that it is easy for me to retreat completely and be content within myself.
arakrune
Jun. 4th, 2003 06:58 pm (UTC)
it came when reading your entry
i know how it feels
oh do i so deep and real

i have been there many times
different reasons and signs

anger seething deep within
thought dark actions an evil grin

worries of state of self
the random thought "i may need help"

shattered glass ringing off concrete
a beautiful sound a sweet treat

and the trouble i could find
to send my reality into a bind

but remember always
to these words i say

you have friends dear and true
who will be there for you
and or hold you when blue
for we cannot always make our own sanity glue

STR
6-4-03
6:54 PM



thought you might like this
it came to when reading your entry
so i thought it should be posted here
=)



allthingsshiny
Jun. 5th, 2003 05:26 am (UTC)
Re: it came when reading your entry
I do like this. fits the mood ...

does this make me a muse?
arakrune
Jun. 5th, 2003 09:12 pm (UTC)
Re: it came when reading your entry
hmmmmmm i i suppose it does to a degree
( 9 made me bleed — cut me )

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