kasey (allthingsshiny) wrote,
kasey
allthingsshiny

  • Mood:

Up and down ... too much ...

I'm not so sure about this B.C. thing ...

There are a lot of whacked out things going on with me right now.
This in itself isn't too out of the norm, as my body and mind are pretty whacked out to start with. I'm not the healthiest one of the bunch, nor am I the most stable.

But this, this is just not cool.

I am on day, i don't know, 10ish. the first couple days were uneventful. Then i started having some cramping. Ok, i think, this will go away soon. It has yet to.

A couple days ago, I noticed something else. I was not constantly thinking about sex. I like constantly thinking about sex. I've got the sex drive of a teenage boy, and i really do like it that way. I am not happy if it is not that way. Losing my libido was what usually pushed me into quitting my pills before. Supposedly, there is a very low chance of this side effect with the ring ... but it seems to be the case. Sensitivity appears to have been affected as well.
I don't like anything fucking with my fucking, dammit.

Headaches ... not all as bad as the migraine that kept me under a pillow on Thursday, but more frequently than usual. I'm not prone to them, usually.

Appetite ... I'm hungry. I crave munchy food. I noticed that I am eating more than I usually do. When I'm not eating, I'm nauseous.

Sleep ... I'm sleeping in four hour bunches. I really don't know if this is related or not. May be just another weird thing that's going on.

Mood ... this is a biggie. It's really hard for me to keep things in perspective. But I think the events of tonight were distinctly far enough out of my norm to be noted.
I started crying tonight. For nothing. For feeling stressed. I don't cry lightly. Something big happens, I might. Maybe. But I don't usually show emotion like that. And tonight, I break down crying. Nothing happened. I stayed out longer than I should have, a little more social interaction than I can deal with. But this happens. Usually, I go in, wind down, and the stress is gone. But I come in tonight, I try to unwind, and I start crying. Not even alone. With Michael. And I'm apologizing, because I don't have a fucking reason to be crying. Everything is nifty. And I'm crying.

I've been a bit down over the last week, but that could be attributed to my manic depression. It happens. But I do not normally ever have these super short-cycle mood swings. I'm up for weeks, down for weeks, not giggly one minute and sobbing the next. And my down feels ... different. Hard to explain.

I will continue to try this method of b.c., assuming that the symptoms do not worsen. If my mood is affected to the point where it affects my interactions with others, it's out. If I lose any more of my sex drive, it's out. In the past it got so bad ... i figured what was the point of me being on it if i'm not having sex anyway? and when I would stop the pills, it came back. I will try to give this at least the three months i have been advised to "let my body adjust". But I will not do this at the expense of my sanity.

I really want this to work. It's easy, I feel safe, I didn't have to have surgery or metal implanted in me or take pills. I want it to work.

Michael took me out to dinner tonight, to Cafe Plaka. And it was good ... and he spent too much money on me ... i feel bad. It was very sweet. I do feel awkward in nice restaurants, especially when I'm in vinyl and pigtails.

TC afterwards. Lots of people, performances, noise. It was a little overwhelming for me, especially after a while. I should have left earlier than I did, but Michael seemed like he was having fun, and we drove there together. Saw Steph with fuzzy kitty ears, that look like weird hair growths from a distance. Brett was there. He did his standup thing for open mic, and it was funny. It really went over well. Ben showed up late, in fishnet and smoking some damned fine cigarettes. Season made music. Andy told stories. Will was loud, drunk, and obnoxious - something about a birthday. No excuse, and I didn't like being guilted into a hug. Season's roomie was there, and we talked current events a bit. Zen shared his jail experiences with me.

All fine and good, but sometimes, I can only handle so much stimuli, and needed to escape.

So back to Michael's house, where my mood swings continued in abundance. Michael wasn't feeling too great either, but i think in the end we made each other feel better. I'll leave the details of how to the imagination.

This whole thing is rambling ... sorry ... my head is not on straight tonight.
Subscribe

  • dirty sheets

    My therapist cancelled on me tonight. Which bummed me out, just a little, cause I've actually been making some progress. I'm having more good hours…

  • it's bathing day

    I've recently acquired two ferrets, both strays. Today was ferret bath day. I don't think either of them has experienced regular bathing before ...…

  • I took the cat to work today.

    There's not much new to write about. The cats are happy. I'm ... content. I think. Charles is working in Moreno Valley again, so that's nice. At…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 6 comments